


Piled Higher and Deeper

by zaffre



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Anxiety, Asexual Castiel (Supernatural), Battlestar Galactica References, Bisexual Dean Winchester, Characters Playing Pokemon GO, Depression, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Fluff, Graduate School, Graduate Student Castiel (Supernatural), Graduate Student Dean Winchester, Happy Ending, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, barely mentioned though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-08
Updated: 2019-09-08
Packaged: 2020-10-12 06:13:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20559554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zaffre/pseuds/zaffre
Summary: Castiel has been working on his dissertation for 10 years, which is twice as long as most. Given an ultimatum – finish by the following spring or be kicked out of the program – Castiel feels certain that he’s going to fail and allow his amazing future to slip away. But maybe he doesn’t want that future anymore. Or maybe he’s just depressed. Castiel isn’t sure anymore. But what he is certain about is that one of the new grad students in the department is something special, and Castiel is shocked when Dean seems to feel the same about him.





	Piled Higher and Deeper

**Author's Note:**

  * For [aranel_parmadil](https://archiveofourown.org/users/aranel_parmadil/gifts).

> This was written for the Ace SPN Mini Bang. Thank you so much to the mod for running this challenge!
> 
> And even though she's not in this fandom and I don't expect her to ever read this, this work is a gift for aranel_parmadil because she's stood by me through my own terrible grad school trials (many of which I've incorporated into this fic). Love you. ♡

**August **

Hell is a conference room. 

This conference room, to be specific.

Castiel gives yet another half-hearted smile as Alfie from Dr. Zeddmore’s lab waves at him, then turns and pretends to be reading the lunch box labels.

“What are you doing, Clarence?”

“Go away, Meg.”

Meg saunters into his line of sight and raises an eyebrow.

“Thrilled to be here, I see.”

Castiel glares. “What do you think?”

“Can’t say I particularly love this shindig either. Having to see Crowley’s smug face just once a year is still too often. But you,” she pulls a face. “You’re being downright hostile. What’s up your butt?”

“I hate this meet-up.”

“Yeah, I sorta got that from the whole pissed off cat thing you’ve got going.”

Castiel tries to relax his shoulders, but another group of grad students enters the conference room to enthusiastic greeting from the others, and he can feel his anxiety ratchet up another notch. “I just want to go back to my office.”

“Hiding? How brave of you.”

“Shut up.”

Meg smirks and leans back on the counter to assess the other assembled grad students. “I see Maggie and Harry are still sucking face on the regular.”

Castiel glances over his shoulder. “At least they’re not doing it right now.”

“Maggie either doesn’t know that Harry cheated on her with his field tech this summer or she doesn’t care.”

Castiel huffs. “I see you continue to know all the gossip.”

“It keeps me busy. It’s not like there’s much else to keep life fun around here.”

“Experiment still not going well?”

Meg purses her lips and then lowers her voice. “Lilith keeps hogging the LCMS. And Eve won’t shut up about her NSF grant, so being in the lab right now is sooo annoying. I suppose I could come in at night, but a girl’s got to have a social life, you know.”

“Social life?”

“Whatever, Clarence. You know what I mean.” Meg rolls her eyes at him, and then pushes off the counter. “Ugh, Crowley’s here.”

The chatter in the room dies down, and Castiel reluctantly follows Meg toward the massive conference table. Fortunately, there’s still two empty seats next to each other, even if Castiel has to sit next to someone he doesn’t know. Probably a new student. Castiel wishes he still had sympathy left to feel sorry for them.

Crowley takes his place at the head of the table and smarmily address the room.

“Welcome to the annual Environmental Science program meet and greet luncheon. For those of you who don’t know, I’m Dr. MacLeod, director of the program here at ECU.” He pauses, and Castiel wonders if he’s expecting applause. “Now, the purpose of this meeting is to get to know one another and make everyone aware of any new departmental policies. You can have lunch and socialize as soon as we take care of business. Understood?”

There’s nodding from the other grad students. Castiel grinds his teeth.

“So, first thing we’ll go around the table and give your name, advisor name, a brief synopsis of your research, and how long you’ve been in the program. Shall we start with you, Inias, and go counterclockwise?”

Castiel feels his heart clench. Of course. Of course that’s going to be a part of the introduction.

His anxiety builds and builds all through everyone else’s intros, barely listening as the other grad students speak. And then all too soon Meg is wrapping up her intro and all eyes are suddenly on him.

“Uh, I’m-” he clears his throat and starts again. “I’m Castiel. My advisor is Dr. Milton but I’m currently working in Dr. Shurley’s lab. My dissertation research involves studying the difference in ecotoxicology of neonicotinoid pesticides on honey and native bees.” Castiel pauses, then says in a rush. “And I’ve been here a while.”

“Ah ah ah,” chides Crowley. “Tells us how many years, Mr. Novak. Everyone else has done so.”

Castiel swallows and wishes he could just vanish. Does he really have to say? Crowley gives him a look that clearly says yes. Reluctantly, he murmurs, “Ten.”

“What was that, Mr. Novak?”

He can’t keep a tinge of impatience from creeping into his voice as he says, “Ten years. I’ve been here ten years.” Castiel doesn’t look up, not interested in seeing the pitying or disdainful looks the other grad students are probably shooting him.

“Very good. Now, on to you, Miss Chambers.”

Castiel slumps in his chair and returns to ignoring the other grad students, wishing his flaming cheeks would cool. Meg gently punches his arm and he glances over to see an annoying sympathetic look on her face. “It’s ok,” she mouths at him. Great, just what he wanted, Meg’s sympathy, however authentic it may actually be.

Sulking, he lets Crowley’s announcements wash over him after the last student reports their introduction. None of them matter anyway – he’s doesn’t have to worry about paperwork submission deadlines or course creation forms or international student concerns, so he focuses on the table in front of him. When can it be time for lunch so he can just grab his box and leave?

Finally, Crowley says, “Well, that’s it for the business portion of our meeting. Please help yourself to a boxed lunch and socialize for a bit. I will be in my office, so make sure to close the door and turn off the lights when you’re finished.”

He gets up and heads toward the door via Castiel’s side of the table. On the way he pauses and leans over Castiel’s shoulder. “If I can have a word with you outside, Mr. Novak?”

Castiel’s stomach drops. What now?

He follows Crowley to the hallway, and he stops just outside the doors to the conference room.

Crowley turns and even though he’s much shorter than Castiel, Castiel suddenly feels like he’s being lorded over. “Mr. Novak.”

“Yes?”

“I’ve been meaning to speak with you.”

Castiel tries not to fidget. “About?”

“We recently had a faculty meeting and your name came up.”

Castiel wishes Crowley would just get to the point. “Yes?”

Crowley smirks. “Well, we had a little chat. And we’ve decided that you have until spring to successfully defend or you’ll be removed from the program. You’ve been here too long, you see, and it’s becoming quite the problem.”

The floor drops out from under Castiel’s feet. “Spring?”

“Yes. Despite some of the, shall we say, obstacles you’ve had to face during your time here, we believe you’ve been given plenty of time and understanding and have used up quite a few departmental resources. So it’s time for you to either step up or you will be asked to leave.”

Castiel can barely think. “And Dr. Shurley–”

“She fully supported this decision. Mr. Novak, do you understand? You are aware of the deadlines you’ll need to meet?”

Numbly, Castiel nods.

“Good. See that you take your dissertation more seriously moving forward.”

And with that, Crowley heads down the hall toward his office, whistling cheerily.

Castiel just stands there, frozen. Spring. He has until spring. And if he doesn’t finish…

On autopilot, he turns around and reenters the conference room, pointedly ignoring Meg’s attempts to get his attention. Castiel walks over to the table holding the boxed lunches, grabs one without looking, and tries to escape.

And finds his way blocked by one Charlie Bradbury.

“Cas!” She rushes forward and hugs him. “Nice to see you out of your lab.”

Castiel half-heartedly returns the hug.

“Are you still game for X-Files tonight?”

Oh. He’d forgotten about that. Usually Charlie’s viewing parties are one of the highlights of his week, but right now, he can’t imagine having to pretend to be ok around other people for one more minute. He needs to go home and hide under his covers for the next week.

“Uh, something’s come up. Sorry.”

“Oh, that’s ok.” Then Charlie’s smile drops from her face. “Are _you_ ok, Cas?”

He can’t hide how he’s feeling right now, so he needs to get out of here as fast as possible. “Yeah, just really busy. With work. You know how it is.”

“Sure, of course.” Charlie doesn’t sound convinced, but she’s too kind-hearted to push. “Well, if you’re not going to be there tonight, then you should at least meet our latest sci-fi nerd-in-arms right now.”

No. He doesn’t want to be doing this now. He can’t. “I’m sorry, Charlie. I have to go.”

He pushes past her gently and makes a beeline for the door. Behind he hears someone say, "That's Castiel? The guy you thought I'd hit it off with?  
  
Charlie’s got a frown in her voice. "He's usually less abrasive than that. Something must be wrong."

"Oh yeah, he seems like sunshine and roses." 

Castiel hears the guy yelp as Charlie probably elbows him. As a receiver of Charlie’s pointy elbows of discontent on occasion, Castiel can sympathize. But he’s in no mood to be around people right now, so it’s for the best if he just leaves. And he does.  
  


\---  
  


His excessively messy apartment provides little solace. All he can see is the dirty dishes on every surface in the kitchen, the mail piled up on the coffee table, the unfolded laundry on his tiny dining table. He knows he should do something about it. Anyone should be able to handle such simple chores. But not Castiel, no. His depressed ass is too incompetent to act like a normal adult.

Thankfully, the meet and greet had been on a day his boss was in meetings all afternoon, so he hadn’t felt guilty telling Pamela that he was going to be taking the rest of the day off.

Castiel stows the boxed lunch in the fridge and plonks down on his sofa, appetite gone. He has a million and one things to do today, but all of his tenuous motivation has vanished.

It’s not like he didn’t know he was in trouble. Ten years as a grad student is pretty embarrassing. But to have a deadline put on things. Well, it should make him feel motivated. Or panicked. Or worried. Or something other than the bland nothingness he feels taking residence in his head. That’d be his depression kicking in, as if it isn’t always present.

With a sigh, he pulls himself up and off of the coach and heads straight to bed. After all, it’s probably the best thing he can do with his time, what little he has left before he’s kicked out and becomes a disgrace to all.

\---

“Good to see you, Castiel. How are you doing?”

Castiel settles on the sofa and reflexively tries to put forth a smile, but then remembers he doesn’t have to pretend here. Thank fucking god.

“The same.”

Billie nods but doesn’t say anything.

Castiel looks down at his shoes. “I had to go to that annual departmental meet up on Wednesday. The one where all the grad students get together before the semester starts to catch up. It was as awful as usual.”

“What made it ‘awful as usual’?”

“I hate having to see all the other grad students and knowing I should be done by now. It’s embarrassing. I know they all wonder why I’m still here.”

“What they think really bothers you.”

“I don’t want it to. But it does. And there was an added bonus this time. The program director told me I have to finish by next spring or I’ll be kicked out of the program.”

Billie makes a sympathetic noise. “That had to be hard to hear.”

“Yeah.”

Billie gives him a moment. He appreciates that about her. Of the eight or so therapists he’s worked with in the last 16 years, she’s his favorite. She doesn’t try to tell him what to do, doesn’t make him feel bad for being such a failure, tells him that he’s worth more than what his parents have made him feel, and works with him at his pace. He trusts her a great deal.

“I guess I have a deadline now,” he continues. “That could be helpful, I suppose.”

“It doesn’t sound like you feel it will, though.”

“No.” Castiel looks up. “I mean, if nothing else has gotten me to finish so far, why would this? If anything, I feel worse.”

“Have you been able to work on anything for your dissertation since last week?”

“No. When I do have energy to do anything, I have more than enough work stuff to keep me busy. And classes are starting next week, so that’s going to eat up a lot of time.”

“You’re worried that you won’t be able to find the time to do what needs to be done.”

Castiel shifts on the sofa. “Yeah.”

Billie gives him an appraising look. “We’ve discussed before what it would mean for you to not finish. Do you still feel that way?”

“I don’t know what I feel. Everything’s numb. I should care, I should be feeling panic and fear. I mean, all of my work is about to amount to nothing and everything I’ve been through could be meaningless. And I’m just…I don’t even know.”

“This is hard for you to imagine. Not finishing.”

“I guess.” Castiel tries to think. “There once was a time where I just assumed I would finish. Because until this point I never hit any real snags with school. But somewhere along the line I started to doubt.”

“Well, you’ve certainly had a great deal happen to you along the way.”

“I have, yeah.” Castiel’s stomach turns. “And it once was a point of pride to say I’d survived all of that. But now I just feel tired. I feel tired all the time.”

“And how has your sleep schedule been over the last week?”

Castiel shrugs. “Mostly the same. Some days I sleep fourteen hours and some days I sleep two. I have started taking those vitamins again to make sure it’s not because of some kind of deficiency, but I’m still exhausted.”

“How have your other meds been affecting you?”

“Um…” Castiel looks back down at his shoes. “I stopped taking them.” Then he adds in a rush, “And I do feel really bad about it, because I know I’m not exactly helping myself by doing that.”

“Do you know how many people stop taking their meds? You are definitely not alone, Castiel.”

And this is why he loves Billie. The lack of judgment. “I know. But the fact remains that I have failed at that, too.”

“What do you think would make it easier to take them?”

“I don’t know. It’s hard to take them when I feel like I don’t deserve them.”

“Because the meds would help you get better.”

“Yes.”

“And you don’t feel like you deserve to get better.”

“No. I’m…it’s not that…” Castiel sighs. “Yeah. That’s pretty much it.”

Billie nods. “We’ve talked about your self-esteem before.”

“Yeah.”

“And?”

“Kinda hard to fix something that’s been broken since you were a teenager. It’s not like I can magically just start believing in myself and loving myself.”

“No, it will take time. But the sooner you begin to show yourself kindness and forgiveness, the sooner you’ll be able to begin restoring your self-love.”

Castiel nods to show he hears her, even though this is not a new conversation, and he feels desperate for a change in topic.

“I also had to blow off Charlie and one of her X-Files parties because I was feeling so bad after the meet up. She’s forgiven me, but I haven’t been able to spend any time with my friends lately because I don’t want to bring them down, too.”

“You mentioned last time that you felt like you are drifting away from your friends.”

“I feel really alone. Sure, I have Charlie and Meg, but sometimes…sometimes I just really wish I had a companion. Someone I could really give all my love to and have it returned in kind. Not that I don’t love Charlie and Meg. I’m just looking for connection. A deeper one than just friendship.”

“Of course.”

“It’s just, there’s a different kind of feeling when you are with someone, you know.”

Billie gives him a thoughtful look. “Do you believe that coming to understand yourself as being ace has contributed to this?”

“I think it’s made me realize that I have nothing to offer people. That I am misleading them when I try to start a relationship, so it’s just better if I don’t date anyone. Besides, grad school has ruined my physical and mental health, so it’s not like anyone’s been asking.”

The remainder of the session passes thankfully quickly, though Billie does try to convince him to give the campus LGBT group a try again. Like someone his age and orientation would be welcome in the community. They end the session with Castiel deciding he’ll work on spending more time with Meg and Charlie in the next week to help with the feeling of loneliness and isolation.

Later, Castiel is alternating playing solitaire and mahjong with almost frantic energy while Chopped is on in the background. It’s the teen tournament and all every contestant seems to talk about how they’ve always wanted to be a chef.

Castiel sighs. He’s never felt that way about anything. Ever. Maybe he’s just broken.

He’s still feeling low when Gabriel calls a few hours later. But he pretends everything is fine so as not to worry his older brother. After he hangs up he feels surge of self-loathing and fear because he does not want to let down Gabe, his family, his advisor, and everyone else who has ever believed in him.

Too bad it seems inevitable that he will.

\---

  
The fall semester begins with the usual lack of fanfare and anticipation. When it’s your sixteenth year of college and eleventh of grad school, it all just sort of blends together into meaningless monotony.

He first class is Ethics & Biosafety on Monday evenings.

“And for the PhD students we have Lisa, Robyn, Bryan,” reads Dr. Mills. “And oh, a repeat customer, Castiel.”

Castiel grits his teeth and forces a smile as heads turn his way. He was hoping it would escape everyone’s notice that he’s having to retake some of his coursework due to it expiring because he’s been a student too long. Looks like that’s not going to happen.

“Let’s run through the syllabus quickly so that we can discuss your final projects.”

Castiel pokes at the stapled, three-hole punched document resting neatly in his 3-ring binder. He’s read it already, twice through, so he lets his mind wander to the other students in the class while Dr. Mills takes them through the boring details of the academic dishonesty and absences policy.

Over on the left side are Dr. Rodriguez’s thermal tolerance rice lab students. And behind them are the transgenic mice lab. The molecular bioscience students always tend to sit together, whether it’s seminar or class. To Castiel’s right are the ‘ology’ students – herpetology, ornithology, mammalogy, entomology, and ichthyology. Castiel has more in common with them than the molecular group, but most of them are studying population ecology, not ecotoxicology. Too much chemistry for them, he guesses.

And then there’s the new student in front of him. Castiel hadn’t paid attention to the roll call, so he isn’t sure who the student is or what his specialty might be. The back of his head looks familiar for some reason, though.

“Which brings us to your final project.” Dr. Mills’ voice cuts through Castiel’s musings and he focuses back on her.

“As you can see, you’ll be pairing up with another student in the class to complete three smaller projects that you will combine into a final oral presentation. I want you to be sure to pick someone in your area of expertise since the tasks will relate to your research.”

The molecular students immediately start chattering. Castiel sees the ‘ologists’ exchange glances and nods. As he suspected while reading the syllabus earlier, he’ll be partner-less and end up doing double the work anyone else has to. Typical. Although, it will be nice not to have to talk to anyone or fake pleasantries for the sake of a grade. Yes, this is a good thing, he decides. A gift from the mental health gods even.

A hand shoots up in front of Castiel. It’s the unknown guy.

“Yes, Mister…” Dr. Mills glances down at the roll. “Winchester?”

“Please, it’s just Dean. And uh, I think there might be an issue for me. See, I’m more of an engineering student than a biologist. I don’t think anyone here is going to be studying anything close to what I am.”

“And what is your project on, Dean?”

“I’m going to be evaluating the environmental impact of photovoltaic cells and finding ways to improve their design to reduce any potential pollution,” comes the concise answer.

Impressive, thinks Castiel. Most first-year grad students can barely describe their project in less than five or six sentences. Some don’t even know what they’re working on at all. Castiel’s esteem of the unknown guy rises a little.

And then his hopes of being left alone are dashed when Dr. Mills raises an eyebrow and looks pointedly right at him. “Looks like you’ve got a partner, Castiel.”

Unknown guy swings around and suddenly Castiel knows exactly where he recognizes him from. It’s the guy that Charlie was trying to introduce to him at the annual departmental meeting. And from the expression on his face, Dean does not seem happy about being paired with him. Not at all. Castiel must have made quite the poor impression earlier with his brush-off.

“So it seems that all of you have found partners. Anyone still solo?” When no one answers, Dr. Mills claps her hands together. “Good. I suggest you exchange contact information right now and then I will get on with the lecture.”

Dean’s frown deepens. He looks like he wants to say something to Castiel, so Castiel quickly busies himself with finding a scrap piece of paper to scribble down his number and school email. There’s a sigh from in front of him, and then similar movement.

They exchange information without a word, and Dean immediately turns back around. From his rigid posture, Castiel guesses he’s either annoyed or frustrated.

And when class ends, Dean immediately stands and exits without a backward glance.

Great. Looks like Castiel has managed to piss off someone else with his lack of social skills. Is it his fault that he just doesn’t have the energy to be overly polite and interested? It takes everything he’s got just to show up to class sometimes, never mind socializing.

And later that night, when he’s trying desperately to pull words from his brain to add to his dissertation, he absolutely doesn’t think about how lovely Dean’s face was, despite the frown. No, and he doesn’t think that it’s unfortunate that he annoyed Dean, because Charlie has good taste in friends, so there was a chance they could have gotten along. Instead, it’ll be an awkward and frustrating semester for both of them.

Frustrated with himself on many levels, Castiel gives up on trying to write and heads into the lab. Maybe some late-night work will help get his mind off of the fact that he’s totally screwed.

* * *

**September**

Charlie hosts a welcome back/happy end of field season party Saturday night of Labor Day weekend.

Castiel almost doesn’t go. He thinks about texting her that’s he’s got a headache or some other plausible reason, but Charlie has a history of marching over to people’s apartments and knocking on their doors until they emerge, and then she drags them to whatever event they’re avoiding. After missing the latest X-Files party, he thinks he might be on her list of people to drag out, so he decides not to risk it.

“Cas! I was worried you weren’t coming.” Charlie gives him a huge hug and Castiel returns it with as much warmth as he can muster. He’s low on spoons today, and he’ll probably have to spend tomorrow in bed to recover, but the smile on Charlie’s face is worth it.

“Drinks are in the fridge or ice chest and food’s in the kitchen as usual. The pool out back is pretty occupied, but the slip and slide down the hill is available. Are you feeling ok? You look a little pale.”

“I’m sure he just needs some alcohol to loosen up a bit,” comes Meg’s voice from over his shoulder. “Here, Clarence.” A bottle of beer is shoved into his chest and Castiel grabs onto it reflexively.

Charlie frowns. “I don’t know that that is a good id–”

“Don’t worry, Charlie. It’s a party. Plus, I’ll keep track of our little angel.

Charlie looks ready to protest, but a new wave of arrivals come in the front door and she has to hurry over to greet them, leaving him and Meg alone.

Meg eyes Castiel. “You really don’t look that good. Which definitely means alcohol is a must.”

“Meg.”

“Come on. I know you have an alcoholic sister, but is that any reason not to enjoy the stuff yourself?”

“Actually, there’s data showing that alcoholism is–”

“Gah, no science talk. We’re supposed to be celebrating the end of summer and the start of more annoying classwork, so leave the science stuff at the door. Come on, let’s go see what everyone’s doing in the back.”

Castiel follows Meg to the back to find an active party scene. The pool is over capacity, though the end with the diving board is open to what looks like a bellyflop competition. The top of what looks to be a home-made slip and slide is peaking over the top of the hill and there’s a line of laughing grad students waiting.

One of those students catches Castiel’s eye and he realizes it’s Dean. He’s in deep blue swim trunks and is sporting a pair of aviators. Castiel watches as Dean takes a running leap and disappears over the edge of the hill. A loud whoop goes up from those waiting, so Castiel assumes Dean must have either gone very fast or done some kind of hot dogging trick.

When Dean reappears over the edge of the hill, Castiel examines his figure. He muses were he capable of being attracted to someone, he would find Dean extremely attractive. He’s tan, nicely toned, and his features are quite symmetrical. But being ace, he only finds him aesthetically pleasing.

“See something you like?”

“Shut up, Meg. You know I don’t.”

“Yeah, but you’re sure watching him like you do.”

Castiel shrugs. “He’s interesting, is all. Besides, I don’t have anything to offer even if I were somehow interested.”

“Clarence, we’ve talked about this,” chides Meg with a gentle shove. “You are such a stick in the mud sometimes.”

Castiel chats with Meg for a while longer, watching Dean from the corner of his eye, trying to be sly. From Meg’s shit-eating grin, he knows he’s not being as subtle as he hopes.

As the sun sets, dread slowly begins creeping in. He should be working. He should be writing. He should be doing anything but standing around with a warm, undrunk beer, talking to his friend and watching another grad student chicken fighting in the pool.

When Meg goes back inside for food and another beer, Castiel takes the opportunity to slip away. Meg will forgive him – she’s never been too hung up on social niceties, which is probably part of the reason why they are friends. He does feel badly for not saying goodbye to Charlie, but he knows she would see the panic in his eyes and try to help him calm down. He doesn’t need to be calm. He needs to use this energy to work.

But on the way home, the dread turns to anxiety, which won’t help him with work. The only way to handle that is a walk that completely tires him out, so he parks his car and heads toward campus. The gutted feeling won’t go away, but at least he can escape the feelings of emptiness and loss for a bit while he walks. It’s better than feeling like nothing will ever be ok again.

\---

“So, have you looked up any patents?”

It’s a week after Labor Day and Dean and Castiel are sitting in Dean’s office trying to work on their group project.

“Not really.”

“Okay. Well, I was thinking we could maybe do some on analytical separation techniques, since that could work for both of our projects.”

“Sure.”

“Do you maybe want to try looking now?”

“I guess.”

“Hey, look dude. I’m really trying here. But you’re kind of being a asshole.”

Castiel looks up from the assignment sheet and finds Dean looking at him with an irritated expression on his face.

“Oh, sorry.”

Dean frowns. “Do you even want to meet today? It doesn’t seem like you want to be here.”

Castiel huffs a hollow laugh. “No. I do.” No, he doesn’t. He’d much rather be home and alone right now.

“Sure.” Dean doesn’t sound convinced. “Well, let’s try finding some patents and then we can be done for today. We can always meet next week to finish up.”

Surprised by Dean’s offer, Castiel squints at him. What angle is he playing?

But as Dean starts scrolling down the webpage of patents they are searching through, there doesn’t seem to be any ulterior motive to his offer than cutting Castiel some slack. Strange.

Ten minutes later, Dean is back to being irritated at him.

“I don’t get why you just can’t compromise. This patent would work for both our projects.”

“No, it won’t. There’s no applications to neonicotinoids.”

“You are so fucking stubborn, you know that?” Dean throws up his hands. “Fine, you find something that’ll work for you and I’ll just pretend it applies to my research too.”

“That would be lying.”

“Yeah, well it’d be better than fighting with you over something that doesn’t even matter. Seriously, you need to relax.”

Castiel feels his blood beginning to boil. “Well, if you’d actually listen to me when I say that the patent doesn’t apply then I wouldn’t have to keep pissing you off!” he practically shouts, then falls silent at the shock on Dean’s face.

“Woah.” Dean runs a hand over his face. “Maybe we need a break.”

“We don’t need a break, we need to figure this out and–”

“No,” says Dean firmly. “We definitely need a break.”

Castiel wants to keep arguing – it’s been a while since he’s felt so fired up – but the unexpected softness in Dean’s face stops him short. “Okay. What do you suggest?”

Dean pulls out his phone. “You play Pokémon Go?”

“What? No.”

“You should. Even if you weren’t into Pokémon ages ago, it’s still fun.”

And suddenly Castiel finds himself hanging on to every word Dean says as he explains the game. It does sound fun, so thirty minutes later he’s walking around campus with Dean, catching Rattatas and spinning Pokéstops and before he knows it, he’s completely out of work mode and not feeling guilty for doing something fun. In fact, a couple hours later after he and Dean have parted ways in much better spirits, Castiel realizes he actually forgot what it was like to feel so bad for a little while.  
  


\---

“Castiel?” 

Castiel pulls his face together into a semblance of a normal expression and walks into Dr. Milton’s office. “Yes?”

“How was your committee meeting?”

A disaster. “Fine.”

“Good. Now, I need the data from the nutrient analyzer by September 18th. I have to finish the final reports before I present it to the agency.”

There’s no way he’ll make that deadline. Why doesn’t she understand that he’s doing everything he can but he can’t work miracles. “Of course.”

“And be sure you’re training the new tech.”

I don’t have time. Why does no one understand that? “I will.”

  
\---

Meg texts him that night while he’s trying to “work on his dissertation”. Which really means he’s sitting on his sofa watching Great British Bake Off and agonizing over his life.

21:54 Meg: _You still up?_

21:55 Castiel: _Unfortunately._

21:56 Meg: _How’d the meeting go?_

21:58 Castiel: _It was ok._

21:58 Meg: _Which means it was awful. That sucks._

21:58 Castiel: _Yeah._

21:59 Meg: _Wanna get plastered and forget about it for a while?_

Castiel sighs. He knows Meg is just trying to help, but she is mostly just compounding on his misery.

22:00 Castiel: _Not really. Thanks anyway._

22:01 Meg: _Just thought it might do you some good._

22:01 Meg: _You need to relax someday, you know._

22:02 Castiel: _I know. Talk to you later._

22:02 Meg: _Ok. Don’t wallow too long._

Castiel looks at the message for a long moment. He’s not wallowing, he’s…ok, he is wallowing. But it had been a terrible meeting and two of his committee members had lit into him for not making any progress since the last meeting. So maybe he is entitled to wallow a little.

The episode of Great British Bake Off that has been playing in the background ends and Castiel shuts off the stream. His apartment is suddenly too quiet. Better just go to bed than face the blinking cursor on his dissertation for another second.

It’s as he’s drifting off that he realizes it would have been nice to talk to Dean after the meeting. He’d been so kind and strangely understanding the other day, helping to diffuse Castiel’s bad mood so easily. Quickly, Castiel opens the Pokémon Go app and sends Dean a gift, then turns off his phone and falls asleep.

  
\---

Charlie barges into his office three days later.

“That’s it, Castiel. You’ve been ignoring texts and avoiding me at seminar. We are going out for coffee _now_.”

Castiel looks up from his computer. “What?”

“Coffee. Let’s go.”

Castiel locks his computer and follows Charlie out of the building, informing Pamela on the way of where he’s going. They take Charlie’s car to the local campus coffee spot, and order – a black coffee for Castiel and a double-expresso something or another for Charlie.

“So, spill.”

Castiel looks up from his undrunk coffee. Charlie is giving him a sympathetic look, and although he would rather prevaricate, Charlie is one of his oldest friends and is good at getting reluctant people talking.

“I’m sorry I missed going to the movie with you and the group. I have a big deadline for work that’s eating up all my free time right now.”

Charlie’s brow furrows. “Cas, I’m worried about you.”

Well, that’s direct. “I’m fine, just swamped right now. I promise I’ll come to the next thing you have planned.”

With a sigh, Charlie reaches across the table to put a hand on Castiel’s. “Dude, you don’t have to pretend like everything’s fine. Because the next ‘thing I have planned’ is the Halloween party and you usually can’t wait for that.”

“I know. I’ve just had a lot on my plate.”

“You’ve skipped the last three X-Files nights. And you don’t talk to me anymore. If we weren’t good friends, I’d think I’d done something to upset you.”

Castiel’s heart clenches. Making Charlie feel badly was never his intention. “No, no, no, you haven’t done anything.”

“Then tell me what’s wrong. You know you can trust me. Let me help you.”

Charlie’s face is so earnest and kind. It wouldn’t hurt to admit to everything - how he hasn't written anything for his dissertation in over a year, how work is crushing him, he feels nothing but dread about the future, how he's mentally and physically ill, how everything is impossible and will never get better.

But then he imagines Charlie’s reaction. She’d probably be speechless and he’d feel embarrassed about revealing so much and do what he could to immediately escape. No, better he suffer this alone. No one else needs to know about how badly he’s doing.

So, he decides to go for a distraction. “I’m really ok, promise. And now that you’ve reminded me about Halloween, I think we should probably figure out our group costumes for this year, don’t you?

Charlie gives him another calculating look, like she wants to say something more, and then smiles a little. “What did you have in mind?”  
  


\---

“Hey, wait up, Cas.”

Castiel turns to see Dean following him out of the classroom. He pauses so Dean can catch up.

“Hello, Dean. Did you want to work some more on our project?”

“Actually, no.” Dean runs a hand along his jawline. “I was hoping we could chat for a second.”

“Ok. Do you want to do it while walking to the gym by the union? I need to battle a gym for today’s research.”

Dean grins. “Enjoying Pokémon Go, I take it.”

“Immensely. Thank you again for getting me into it.”

They start walking toward the union, both looking down at the phones to play the game. Halfway there, Dean speaks up again.

“So, I was chatting with Charlie yesterday.”

“Oh?”

“She said there’s some kind of group costume thing for her party and wanted to know if I was in. Said the theme was going to be Battlestar Galactica since we could all be pilots in tank tops or something.”

“Yeah, I thought that would be an easy costume for people to put together,” says Castiel, spinning a Pokéball at an Ekans.

“Only thing is, I’ve never seen that show, so I’m not exactly sure what a - what did she say? - a ‘viper pilot’ is all about.”

Castiel stops walking. “You’ve never seen Battlestar Galactica?”

“Nope,” says Dean, stopping next to him.

“Not the old version nor the new?”

Dean shakes his head. “That one got by me, I guess. Well, both of them, I guess."

“Are you doing anything tonight?”

“Nah, don’t think so. I have a proposal draft due next week, but I’ll use the weekend for that.”

A little sliver of excitement catches on Castiel’s brain. “Wanna come to my place in like an hour and watch the first episode? I’ll order pizza.” An hour would be enough time to shove all the mess of his living room into his bedroom and clean up the kitchen. Castiel tries not to make it obvious how much he wants Dean to say yes.

But he shouldn’t have worried. Dean grins, brilliantly so, and says, “I’d like that.”

And Castiel’s heart gives a giddy leap.

* * *

**October**

Gabriel visits the first weekend in October.

Of all of his brothers and sisters, Gabriel is Castiel’s favorite. Not just because they’ve stayed in constant contact while he’s been in grad school, but because Gabriel is the black sheep of the family, and in their family, that is actually a good thing in Castiel’s opinion.

They are watching Starship Troopers for the millionth time and enjoying the divine sugar cookies Gabriel whipped up while Castiel was at work, when Gabe asks him about school.

Castiel considers changing the subject or maybe even lying and saying everything is just fine, but Gabriel reads him really well in person. Plus, he’s been feeling extra stressed lately, and it might be nice to get some of it off his chest.

“Actually, things aren’t going so well.”

“Oh? Do tell.”

“Well, Crowley gave me an ultimatum a couple of months ago – finish by spring or get kicked out of the program.”

Gabriel grabs the remote and hits pause on the movie, then turns to face Castiel. “What are you going to do?”

“Finish, I guess.”

“Uh huh. And it sounds like that’s definitely something you want.”

Castiel sighs at the sarcasm in Gabriel’s voice. “I don’t know. I have this amazing life in front of me if I finish, but I can’t seem to get things done to get to that life.”

“Sounds like maybe that life isn’t what you really want. Or maybe you’re just burnt out. Ten years is a long time to be working on one thing constantly.”

If only he was actually constantly working on his dissertation, maybe he’d be done by now. Castiel fiddles with his bracelet. “I think I probably got burnt out in high school. You know, all those AP classes and extracurriculars to look good for a college. And then I’ve sort of limped on since.”

Gabriel nods solemnly. “I could see that. Sometimes I’ve wished that you could just quit.”

“Quit my dissertation?” Castiel tries to make it sound like that’s a novel thought, but the knowing expression on Gabriel’s face tells him he’s not been successful. 

“Why do you think I quit school and became a baker? To piss off Mom? Yeah, and because it was something I chose and something that fulfills me.”

“And what if I don’t know what fulfills me?”

Gabriel pats him on the knee. “You just have to keep looking, bro. Something will click and you will feel like life makes sense.”

\---

Castiel stares at the email from his advisor for the seventh time that morning.

He’d written her a couple of days ago asking when she’d get him his chapters back because she’s had them for nearly a year. It’s certainly not all because of Anna that he’s stalled out in his writing, but it would be nice to actually get some feedback for a change.

But the email he’d received at eight this morning had made his whole being deflate.

To: CNovak@ecu.edu  
From: AMilton@ecu.edu

Subject: RE: dissertation chapters

  
Castiel,

I am working on your chapters as quickly as I can. A few other students who are on track to graduate sooner are currently my top priority. When can I expect chapter 3 from you?

Anna

  
Dr. Anna Milton  
Associate Professor of Environmental Chemistry  
Eastern California University  
Office: 555-555-3049

What is he supposed to say to that? Thanks for deprioritizing me even though I know why? Also, you’ve had my chapters for almost twelve months, what does ‘quickly’ even mean to you? Also, chapter 3 is a mess and I haven’t written a word in months?

Castiel breathes out, then starts typing.

To: AMilton@ecu.edu  
From: CNovak@ecu.edu

Dr. Milton,

I am still working on chapter 3 but hope to have it completed by the end of the month.

Thanks,  
Castiel

Castiel Novak  
PhD Candidate  
Laboratory Technician  
Ecotoxicology Research Facility  
Eastern California University  
Office: 555-555-2394

There’s no way he’ll actually make that deadline, but maybe he’ll magically feel better and remember how to do research again and stop living in this nonstop nightmare. And maybe he’ll split into two copies of himself who can manage to doubly avoid his life. That’s probably about as likely as him finishing right now.

\---

“So I was talking to Charlie yesterday and she’s worried about you. 

Cas purses his lips. “I’m fine.”

Dean follows Castiel the rest of the way to his office before saying, "Look, I don't know what's going on exactly-"

"Don't worry, this won't affect our project."

"Screw the project, Castiel. I'm talking about you. I'm talking about you being ok, because it doesn't seem like that's happening right now."

Castiel just stares at Dean and can’t answer. There’s too much to say and too much fear that Dean will pity him if he explains. And he really doesn’t want Dean to think any less of him.

But Dean seems to understand. He grips Castiel’s shoulder and Castiel suddenly realizes he hasn’t had a hug in ages and he craves it momentarily. But Dean says, “Wanna watch some Battlestar? You can come over to my place and eat some mac ’n cheese, cuz that’s the fine level of budget cooking you can expect from Casa de Dean.”

Castiel blinks. And then nods. “Yeah, that sounds good.”

\---

  
Castiel can’t go pumpkin picking with Charlie’s pre-Halloween party, but makes it to the carving party afterward. Dean makes room for him beside himself and internally Cas beams.

“Missed you at the patch. Charles over there tried to carry a pumpkin bigger than she was and nearly dropped it.”

Charlie sticks her tongue out at Dean and then goes back to carving her still-massive pumpkin.

“I was at work. I’m going that national conference in a week and am still analyzing my data.”

“Oh, I sometimes forget that you work full time on top of everything else. That’s gotta be hard to juggle that and getting all your dissertation written.”

Castiel scoffs and Dean frowns at him. Meg interrupts by throwing pumpkin guts and a war starts.

After everyone mostly cleans up after the pumpkin guts, Dean breaks out a couple of bottles of bourbon and Castiel gets pretty buzzed fairly quickly.

Dean must too, because he starts talking about his brother and how bummed he is that he won’t get to see him during the holidays. Apparently, Sam is on the other side of the country right now, and Dean can’t afford either the plane ticket or the time away from his project to see him.

“That really sucks, Dean. And there’s no way he can come this way?”

“Nope.” Dean tosses back more bourbon. “Kid’s on a mostly unpaid internship at a hoity toity law firm, so he’s just as strapped for cash as me. And I think they make him work that whole time, too. Guess I’ll have to wait until next year to see him.”

A plan begins forming in Castiel’s brain, but the alcohol makes it hard for him to keep hold of it.

“Well, you’re welcome to hang with me over the holidays. I’ll be here working the whole time.”

“What? Why? Don’t you get time off?”

Castiel grimaces. “I’m running an experiment at work that requires daily maintenance, plus there’s the issue of my overdue dissertation.”

Dean hums in sympathy. “We have plenty of Battlestar to get through still, so it’s a date.”

Warmth that isn’t entirely due to the alcohol flushes Castiel’s cheeks.

A few hours later and he and Dean are both too drunk to drive home. Fortunately, Castiel’s apartment is within walking distance from Charlie’s, so he and Dean wish a tipsy Charlie goodnight and head out.

Castiel is dead-set on sleeping on the sofa, but Dean tells him not to be stupid.

“We can both fit on your bed. No need to get a crick in your back on my account.”

“Oh, okay.” Castiel turns to quickly clear off his bed of dirty laundry and a hand on his shoulder halts him.

“Wait a second, you’ve got a pumpkin seed in your hair.”

Castiel waits patiently while Dean extracts it, hyperfixated at the point where they are touching.

“Got it. Must be leftover from when Meg dumped that entire pumpkin’s-worth of stuff over your head.”

“Probably,” Castiel says, tossing his laundry into the basket. “She does like to make my life slightly miserable.”

“You guys been dating long?”

Castiel chokes on his own spit. “Dating? Me and Meg? No!” He turns around and finds Dean looking at him with an uncertain expression on his face. “We’re friends. Good friends, that’s all. Besides, she’s sort of the wrong, um–” Castiel cuts himself off before he can say too much. “Uh, the bed’s ready.”

They both strip down to boxers and hop in, Castiel thinking that if it weren’t for the alcohol, he’d probably be feeling very self-conscious right now. Instead, when Dean wriggles a little closer, Castiel can’t help but respond in kind, until they are practically snuggling.

“Cas?”

“Yeah?”

“Why are you still here?”

“In bed?”

“No, at ECU. Like, you’re too smart not to have finished yet. What happened?”

Castiel swallows. He could just say that he’s happy working at his job, which isn’t really true. Or that he came in on an unfunded project and it took him a while to get everything set up so he could do his research, which is true. But he likes Dean, quite a bit. And he’s still slightly drunk, so the words come out before he has a chance to edit them.

“I’m on my third advisor. My first one was a verbally-abusive ass who did some shitty things and I testified against in university court. He chose retirement over being fired. My second advisor was manipulative and cruel, and I was not sorry that he got a job elsewhere. But it did slow down my progress pretty significantly. And then there’s the issue with my mental health, which is poor due to all the stuff I’ve been through since I got here.”

“Wow, you don’t deserve any of that.”

“Thanks for saying so. That hasn’t always felt true, but you’re right. I hope your time in grad school is much smoother.”

“Thanks, Cas.”

They both drift off and Castiel is shocked to realize he feels happiness for the first time in what feels like forever.

* * *

**November**

Sacramento is a lovely place. The weather is nice, the conference venue for the national meeting of the Ecotoxicology Society of America is easy to navigate. The host hotel is even nice.

Castiel is miserable. He’s presenting work he’s done for Naomi but wishes he were presenting his own dissertation work instead. Of course, it’s not finished, so that’s not possible, but it doesn’t stop him from dwelling on it.  
  
One bright spot during the week is the fact that Dean has been texting him nonstop since he left. 

14:50 Dean: _So, if what kind of powers do cylon-human hybrids actually have?_

14:52 Castiel: _You better not be watching BSG without me._

14:56 Dean: _As if I’d dare._

14:57 Dean: _Still waiting for an answer._

14:59 Castiel: _Spoilers._

15:01 Dean: _Ok ok, I’ll wait. How’d today go?_

15:02 Castiel: _Same shit different day._

15:05 Dean: _Nothing really catch your interest, huh?_

15:06 Castiel: _No. Well, there was one good talk about bees in soybean fields, but besides that, it’s been a lot about soil health and WET testing. Boring._

15:07 Dean: _Well, good luck on your poster tomorrow. I know you’ll do great._

15:08 Castiel: _Thanks. I’d probably feel better it if it was my own work._

15:10 Dean: _What are you talking about? You did the experiment, didn’t you? You did all the stats and made the poster, right? So explain to me how that isn’t yor work._

15:10 Dean: _*your_

15:12 Castiel: _You know what I mean, but thanks for vote of confidence. :)_

15:13 Castiel: _It’s too bad you’re not here. There’s been a couple of grandstanders you’d have put in their place and some stuff about metallo-organics you’d probably understand better than me._

15:15 Dean: _Did you go see that talk about the coral and sunscreen pollution?_

15:16 Castiel: _I did. It was pretty good. I think I might try to convince Dr. Shurley to let me set up something like that in the back of Ecotox._

15:17 Dean: _That would be so cool._

15:19 Castiel: _The next talk is about to start – message you later?_

15:20 Dean: _Sounds good. Have fun!_

15:20 Castiel: _I’ll try. But this is definitely not as fun as our BSG nights._

15:22 Dean: _I know what you mean._  
  


\---

“You’ve been seriously thinking about quitting your PhD.”

Castiel looks up from where he’s been picking at a hangnail. “Maybe. Yes.”

Billie nods. “It seems like this has been on your mind a lot lately.”

“I feel bad all the time. And I’m just whiling away the time until the deadline and am no closer to being finished.” Castiel shrugs. “So, quitting seems like the obvious path forward.”

“Something’s holding you back?”

"I don’t know. Thing is, no matter what I choose, there's pain ahead. I can't avoid it, I tried avoiding things and it's just ruined me. I mean, look at me. I’m out of shape, I’m passively suicidal, I’m a complete mess. How can I possibly finish and what will finishing even really do for me?" 

“What would finishing mean?”

“I guess it would mean that I didn’t give up. That I finished what I set out to do. That everyone who said I couldn’t was wrong.”

“And not finishing, what would that mean?”

Castiel bites his lip. “That maybe I’m putting myself first for a change. My happiness, that is. But I don’t really want to talk about this anymore, to be honest. It’s all I think about and I just want to have one conversation that doesn’t revolve around grad school for a change.”

“Ok, what would you like to talk about instead?”

“I don’t know.”

“How about your new friend, Dean was it?”

Castiel smiles. “Yeah. He’s pretty great.”

“How so?”

“He and I have been spending a lot of time together. A few nights during the week and most every weekend. We’re watching a TV series that he’s never seen. And he introduced me to a game that has helped a bit with my anxiety.”

Billie cocks her head to one side. “You seem pretty happy when you talk about him.”

Castiel blinks. “I guess, yeah. He’s a good friend.”

“Just a friend?”

“Just a friend. I don’t think he’d be very down with or understanding of me being ace.”

“Are you assuming or do you know for a fact?” asks Billie.

“Assuming based on fact.”

Billie just rolls her eyes. “You are such a scientist sometimes.”

Castiel half-smiles. “If only that were true.”

\---

When Dean opens his apartment door to Castiel on Thanksgiving Day and catches sight of Sam hiding behind him, the rapid shift of his expression to joy and wonder is everything Castiel could have hoped for when he concocted his plan to get Sam here.

Castiel steps aside so the brothers can embrace, and he swears that Dean’s eyes are a little damp. Sam is no better, and there’s some sniffling from them both.

“How? I...what?!” Dean sputters. “How are you here?”

Sam nods toward Castiel. “I got an email from him a few weeks ago. Said he got it from Charlie and wanted to bring me to you for Christmas. Unfortunately, it was going to be too expensive to fly me in around Christmas and I’ll have too much on my plate then anyway, but now was doable, so here I am.”

Dean looks over at Castiel and there’s so much gratitude in his eyes that Castiel has to look away. “Cas. I don’t even know what to say.”

“Maybe you could let us in?” teases Sam and pushes past Dean. “Wow, this place is smaller than mine,” Cas hears Sam say as he gets a good look at the inside of Dean’s place.

Dean reaches out and grasps Castiel’s shoulder. “Seriously, I don’t know what to say. You don’t even know what this means to me. Thank you.”

“Your brother is very important to you. I’m glad it worked out that he could come for one of the holidays. Sorry it couldn’t be Christmas.”

Dean shakes his head. “This is perfect, Cas, seriously.”

“Well, I’m going to head out, so you can spend some quality time with your brother. Want to meet up on Satur–”

“What?” Dean’s hand squeezes tighter. “No no no, you’re not going anywhere.”

“But this is time for family.”

“Yeah, it is. So come on in.” Dean pulls Castiel in and closes the door behind him firmly, like there’s an air of finality about that statement and decision.

They have a great time cooking in Dean’s small apartment kitchen and playing video games and watching bad TV. It’s the best Thanksgiving Castiel can remember. Sam is hilarious and smart and it’s obvious that he and Dean are extremely close.

Castiel is coming back from the bathroom when he overhears Sam telling Dean in a low voice, “You’ve got something special in him. You better not screw it up.”

Dean’s reply is almost too quiet to hear, but Castiel stops breathing when he hears, “Believe me, I know."

And the hugs he gets from both Sam and Dean when it’s time to leave for the night are the first ones he’s had in ages. He really does feel like family and it warms him to the core.

* * *

**December**

Dean and Castiel spend most of winter break together.

Not just watching Battlestar. Dean invites Castiel to come to the university gym with him and Castiel accepts, feeling less self-conscious since all the students are gone and he knows Dean won’t judge him. Castiel actually finds he enjoys gym time, and even though it’ll be a while before he sees any obvious results of working out, the change in his mood is noticeable. Plus, he has always liked running, so it feels good to get back into that.

Three days before Christmas, they are hanging out at Castiel’s place, watching Mad Max: Fury Road, when Dean asks, “Do you think Charlize Theron is hot?”

Castiel shrugs. “She’s fairly aesthetically pleasing.”

“What about Katee Sackhoff?”

“She’s fine.”

“Tricia Helfer?”

“Ok, I guess.”

Dean’s voice suddenly gets quiet. “Jamie Bamber?”

“Who’s that?”

“Apollo.”

“Oh, yeah, he’s fine.”

Dean doesn’t say anything for a long moment, so Castiel looks over at him. Dean is looking down at his lap. “You ok?”

Dean looks up and Castiel reads uncertainty in his eyes. Timidly, he says, “I kinda think Jamie is hot.”

“That’s understandable. His face is quite symmetrical.”

“You think that’s ok? That I like him?”

“Of course.”

“And if I said I also like Katee and Tricia?”

Sensing something important is being said, Castiel sits up straighter and turns toward Dean. “That would be fine, too.”

“Oh.”

Castiel frowns. “Did you expect otherwise?”

“No. Kinda? I don’t know. I haven’t really told anyone but Sam that I’m bi. Well, my dad suspects and gave me hell for it.”

“That’s unfortunate. Sexual identities aren’t choices and being persecuted for them is awful.”

Then, deciding that Dean had been brave to tell him that he was bisexual, Castiel decides to take a risk.

“I don’t really find any of those people attractive. If anything, the relationship that most resonates with me is that between Adama and Roslin.”

Dean’s eyebrows shoot up. “Really? Like, Boomer doesn’t do it for you?”

“No one does. Because I’m ace.”

A thoughtful look crosses over Dean’s face. “You mean asexual?”

“Yes.” Castiel’s heart is thudding in his chest. Has he ruined their friendship or whatever this fragile thing is between them by revealing his sexuality?

“That’s cool. I’ve never known anyone that’s ace before, but I have read up some on it. Thought Sammy might be ace for a while, but then he found a girl at Harvard, Jess, and from what I can tell, they’re pretty hot and heavy.”

“You know that some ace people can have sex, right?”

“Really? I thought that was a no-go.”

Castiel shakes his head. “There are those that are sex-repulsed, but there are also those for whom sex is just like a hobby they don’t feel any affinity toward. Doesn’t mean they hate it or dislike people who do like that hobby, it’s just sort of a non-issue for them.”

“Huh, good to know.”

They go back to watching the movie. A while later, Dean asks, “Have you ever been in a relationship before?”

Castiel closes his eyes, then takes a deep breath and opens them. “I once thought I was. His name was Balthazar and he was in my lab. We spent all our time together, and I fell for him pretty hard. But I had to hide my feelings, even going so far as to pretend we weren’t friends anymore.”

“Why?”

“He was super religious and considered homosexuality a sin and asexuality to be fake. So, I thought it was better if he hated me for being a ‘bad friend’ than hate me because I loved him.”

“Ah, straight boy pain. That really sucks.”

“Yeah. How about you?”

Dean leans his head back on the sofa. “Cassie. We met in undergrad when we were both journalism majors. I actually thought she might be the one. But then I switched to engineering to make my dad happy and we drifted apart. I like engineering, but Cassie and I had a huge fight about how much I do things to please my dad.”

“She didn’t understand that family is very important to you.”

“No, she didn’t. And now I’m afraid that future relationships might go the same way – that they are all predicated on being in the same situation and/or place forever to succeed, which is impossible because people change all the time. Even my relationship with Sam has been different lately. I came out here to be closer to him, and then he went and got that internship to Harvard.”

“Your having a hard time doing things for yourself.”

Dean laughs, but it’s a humorless one. “Yeah.”

Cas drop drops his head back onto the back of the sofa, looking over at Dean. “There’s nothing wrong with wanting to make other people happy, as long as it doesn’t make you miserable in the process.”

“I suppose.”

They are both quite for a bit, listening to the movie playing out. Then Dean turns toward Cas and says, “And you should know that finishing your PhD doesn’t mean you’re destined to be or are trapped into becoming a scientist. It just means you finished.”

Cas stares at him. “That’s true.”

“I know.” Dean winks at him. “I give the best advice.”

\---

After Dean has left for the night, Castiel opens his dissertation draft and rereads the dedication, then adds a new line. Then he scrolls down to the beginning of the third chapter and starts typing.

* * *

**May**

“So, Dr. Novak, you ready to get hooded?”

Castiel rolls his eyes. “How many times am I going to have to tell you that it’s still Castiel? Or ‘Cas’ as you and others are so fond of saying.”

Dean comes up behind him and rests his head on Castiel’s shoulder, looking him up and down in the full-length mirror. “Looking good, _Dr. Novak_.”

The joint gym sessions have really helped Castiel feel more confident in his body. Quitting his job had helped a bit too. Dr. Shurley hadn’t been happy, but Dean had encouraged Castiel to do something different for a while. Castiel thinks he wants to write grants for non-profits, but he’s actually happy working at Starbucks for now. He feels more in control, more satisfied with his life and is even coming off of some of his meds because he’s not as depressed anymore. He’s pretty sure that has more to do with Dean than being free of his dissertation, but Billie is helping him keep an open mind. Some of the other grad students have shamed him a bit for leaving academia, but Dean shuts them down with “Any of you finish yet? Didn’t think so. Don’t judge what you don’t understand.”

And of course, Dean tells him quite frequently that he would have been proud of Castiel even if he didn’t finish.

Castiel stares at Dean’s reflection in the mirror. A day like today is one for risking things, so he turns around, steps into Dean’s space and kisses him.

He’s been thinking about doing it for weeks now, and this seemed like the perfect moment. Dean must agree, because he immediately deepens the kiss, pulling Castiel closer to him. They part a few moments later, both out of breath, and huff little laughs at the looks of wonder on each other’s faces.

“Hey,” Dean says. “You know I love you, right?”

“Yes, yes I do."  
  
“Good.”

"I love you, too."  
  
And Dean smiles at him.  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> NSF – National Science Foundation  
BSG – Battlestar Galactica  
LCMS – Liquid chromatograph mass spectrometer
> 
> Cas’ first advisor was Zachariah, second was Uriel  
Hooding is what happens at graduation to PhDs  
Eastern California University is fictional (as far as I know) 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading this. :D


End file.
